1 00:00:55,381 --> 00:00:57,781 I am the Shaman. 2 00:01:09,141 --> 00:01:11,421 I can't tell you the reason, 3 00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:14,221 or even the day I knew something was wrong. 4 00:01:18,781 --> 00:01:22,741 Was it stress? A few genes on a strand of my DNA? 5 00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:27,301 A virus? Was it all of those things? None of them? 6 00:01:36,300 --> 00:01:38,701 You hate yourself. 7 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:44,540 And you hate yourself for hating so much. 8 00:01:53,420 --> 00:01:58,300 It's very difficult for me to accept that this is where I am. 9 00:01:58,580 --> 00:02:02,461 I feel like I need to create some sort of meaning out of it. 10 00:02:20,100 --> 00:02:26,180 I want to love and be loved. I just miss the emotional capacity. 11 00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,420 I want to feel again. 12 00:02:55,660 --> 00:03:00,060 I grew up in a small, affluent town outside of Boston. 13 00:03:01,219 --> 00:03:03,139 When I first arrived at a school like this, 14 00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:05,699 I thought I was on the brink of making it. 15 00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:10,379 I thought I was on the brink of finding it with a capital "I," 16 00:03:10,699 --> 00:03:13,379 because I was going to the best school in the country. 17 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:18,059 And that to be a guarantee that I was on the right track. 18 00:03:21,419 --> 00:03:25,379 That's what I thought in my head. Uh, the reality was very different. 19 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:36,219 The school has a motto, which is Non Sibi which is "not for one's self," 20 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,058 and that's a motto I truly believe in. 21 00:03:38,139 --> 00:03:42,139 But in practice, despite the prestige and the wealth that is here, 22 00:03:42,259 --> 00:03:46,499 we're acting like animals. Even if it is with a bow-tie. 23 00:04:03,018 --> 00:04:06,979 Kids are under a lot more pressure, um, than they used to be. 24 00:04:07,058 --> 00:04:10,779 Uh, I don't think that their role in life is as clear. 25 00:04:11,658 --> 00:04:15,378 If you were to ask me what pushed him over the edge, I would say 26 00:04:15,459 --> 00:04:21,338 he needed to perform at the highest level, that he needed to get the academic degrees 27 00:04:21,418 --> 00:04:24,778 in order to consider himself successful. 28 00:04:33,058 --> 00:04:37,138 When I started feeling terrible, I started pushing myself 29 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,458 in ways that my body and mind couldn't sustain. 30 00:04:40,938 --> 00:04:44,698 I did what society told me to do, I did what my parents told me to do, 31 00:04:44,898 --> 00:04:46,738 and by age 21, 22... 32 00:04:48,578 --> 00:04:50,218 uh... I was dead. 33 00:05:03,097 --> 00:05:05,177 Just parking the car up to the side of this bridge 34 00:05:05,258 --> 00:05:08,378 and looking down at these railroad tracks, and uh... 35 00:05:10,458 --> 00:05:13,657 Just thinking, you know... 36 00:05:14,777 --> 00:05:20,417 just actually, just finding great relief in... in the idea that, you know, 37 00:05:20,497 --> 00:05:24,217 I could, like, end the pain of what I've gone through. 38 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,618 I remember... I remember thinking two thoughts. 39 00:05:27,697 --> 00:05:32,698 One was, "Thank God you can buy guns at Wal-Mart in America." 40 00:05:33,457 --> 00:05:38,417 And the other one was, "I think if I did it I'd put my neck on..." 41 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,726 "On the railroad tracks." 42 00:06:08,297 --> 00:06:11,297 The greatest concern was that he might be so depressed that he'd hurt himself. 43 00:06:11,377 --> 00:06:16,417 Kill himself. And so psychiatrists at M.G.A. decided it would be 44 00:06:16,496 --> 00:06:20,017 appropriate for him to be admitted to McLean's. 45 00:06:27,456 --> 00:06:29,577 I'm so convinced my life is over, 46 00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:34,377 I actually elected to have electro-convulsive therapy... 47 00:06:34,456 --> 00:06:37,896 um, which actually happens right over here. 48 00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:42,256 A metal rod attached to your head and they give you a shock 49 00:06:42,337 --> 00:06:45,336 and you get a seizure, and, uh... 50 00:06:45,736 --> 00:06:49,816 it can lift depressive symptoms or even schizophrenic symptoms. 51 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,616 It's one of the methods of last resort. 52 00:07:00,936 --> 00:07:03,256 Essentially is like rebooting your computer 53 00:07:03,336 --> 00:07:05,256 when you can't get it to work, it's stuck. 54 00:07:05,456 --> 00:07:09,136 And you just turn everything off and you reboot it, and... 55 00:07:09,216 --> 00:07:11,256 at times in the human brain when you do that 56 00:07:11,336 --> 00:07:15,575 you can actually effectively recover from a severe depression. 57 00:07:34,616 --> 00:07:40,695 If you've experienced depression, you know, I'm not just a little bit sad. 58 00:07:40,776 --> 00:07:44,015 I wake up every day, you know, 59 00:07:44,095 --> 00:07:47,496 just feeling like, just hell. 60 00:07:52,735 --> 00:07:55,975 Non-drug therapy seem to engage him in any way. 61 00:07:56,215 --> 00:07:58,975 Cognitive behavioral therapies and the group interactions, 62 00:07:59,455 --> 00:08:03,215 uh, he just wasn't interested or felt they weren't productive at all. 63 00:08:03,295 --> 00:08:06,735 James at one point really turned around 64 00:08:06,815 --> 00:08:10,695 and felt that the whole psychiatric institution 65 00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:12,455 had harmed him. 66 00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:18,055 That the drugs had given him might have permanently damaged him. 67 00:08:22,575 --> 00:08:26,935 I'm not prepared to feel this way for the rest of my life, and, uh... 68 00:08:28,455 --> 00:08:31,055 You know, I just hope maybe I can... 69 00:08:31,134 --> 00:08:33,695 I can find a way to... 70 00:08:33,775 --> 00:08:36,655 you know crawl my way or begin to crawl my way out of it. 71 00:08:38,655 --> 00:08:41,255 So I give myself ten months. 72 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,775 And, if nothing's changed after that, 73 00:08:45,254 --> 00:08:46,575 I kind of feel like... 74 00:08:47,535 --> 00:08:49,934 you know, I have a right to kill myself. 75 00:08:50,015 --> 00:08:54,374 I've... I'll give myself a license to... to kill myself. 76 00:08:56,934 --> 00:09:00,015 911. Do you need fire, medical or police? 77 00:09:00,094 --> 00:09:04,175 We have a code yellow here, missing patient known as James Freeman, 78 00:09:04,295 --> 00:09:07,614 his parents have been informed, how should we proceed? 79 00:09:12,774 --> 00:09:16,134 I just got out of the hospital. Um, I'm not going back. 80 00:09:16,214 --> 00:09:21,175 I just don't feel like anything that's going on in there is helping me. 81 00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,774 I read about ayahuasca in National Geographic 82 00:09:29,854 --> 00:09:33,174 I heard it has helped people with depression. 83 00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:41,213 I just decided to come to Iquitos 84 00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:44,294 and start looking for someone who can help me out. 85 00:09:45,094 --> 00:09:46,693 A center or a shaman, 86 00:09:46,774 --> 00:09:49,694 an individual or just anyone who knows what they're doing 87 00:09:49,853 --> 00:09:53,374 and who I think is well-intentioned, someone I can trust. 88 00:10:06,493 --> 00:10:10,134 The shamans down here have been using ayahuasca for thousands of years. 89 00:10:11,253 --> 00:10:16,414 I'm skeptical about shamanism and spirit and keeping my fingers crossed. 90 00:10:21,853 --> 00:10:23,053 Take a sip. 91 00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,413 Come out. Would you like ayahuasca, man? 92 00:10:28,613 --> 00:10:31,933 Ayahuasca, many visions. It's OK, it will clean your life. 93 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:35,253 If you want to change. Ayahuasca, good price, my man. 94 00:10:48,093 --> 00:10:52,613 The path is closed, but we can open it for you. 95 00:11:18,813 --> 00:11:24,293 I did a treatment for three and a half months. 96 00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:29,172 In 115 days I cured AIDS. 97 00:11:35,973 --> 00:11:39,572 Christ presented himself twice 98 00:11:39,652 --> 00:11:42,892 during ceremony and told me... 99 00:11:43,732 --> 00:11:48,132 "What you are drinking, I drank at the Last Supper." 100 00:11:57,251 --> 00:12:00,811 People are trying to sell me all sorts of things, plants, medicine. 101 00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:03,412 And they're telling me they can cure whatever. 102 00:12:03,571 --> 00:12:06,492 There's definitely a business side to what's going on down here. 103 00:12:11,012 --> 00:12:13,731 I'm not looking for God, I'm not looking for spirit, 104 00:12:13,892 --> 00:12:15,572 I'm not looking for any of that. 105 00:12:17,092 --> 00:12:20,412 I feel like it's going to take something miraculous to heal me. 106 00:12:24,892 --> 00:12:27,851 Everyone I meet is really enamored with Guillermo, 107 00:12:28,171 --> 00:12:31,212 singing his praises, this is the best shaman. 108 00:12:35,691 --> 00:12:39,411 You know, here's this magical man that's going to save your life. 109 00:12:51,412 --> 00:12:53,851 I demonstrate what love, 110 00:12:54,131 --> 00:12:58,211 tranquility and interior peace is. 111 00:12:59,651 --> 00:13:04,771 I make human beings love 112 00:13:05,091 --> 00:13:09,491 and value themselves. 113 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,091 Ayahuasca is a medium. 114 00:13:14,451 --> 00:13:18,091 Not only to discover the light, 115 00:13:18,571 --> 00:13:23,130 not only to discover the disease, but many other things. 116 00:13:26,851 --> 00:13:30,771 Going to my first ayahuasca ceremony tonight. 117 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:35,050 I won't be able to drink it because I'm still weaning off my medication 118 00:13:35,131 --> 00:13:39,531 and it could interact with the ayahuasca and that could be really dangerous. 119 00:13:39,931 --> 00:13:41,490 Possibly even fatal. 120 00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:14,570 Apparently the shamans can still do work on you 121 00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,930 even if you're not drinking the medicine. 122 00:14:17,730 --> 00:14:21,130 They use their songs, which they call icaros. 123 00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:24,730 What exactly they are doing, I'm not entirely sure. 124 00:14:24,810 --> 00:14:27,370 May Mother Ayahuasca guide your journey, 125 00:14:28,249 --> 00:14:31,250 give you power, protection, wisdom, 126 00:14:32,890 --> 00:14:38,930 discipline, and love. 127 00:14:54,570 --> 00:14:57,410 He was going through something extraordinarily intense. 128 00:14:57,489 --> 00:15:01,169 ...became so strong that there should have been an intervention. 129 00:15:01,410 --> 00:15:02,758 I searched for my flashlight. 130 00:15:02,770 --> 00:15:04,649 I was curious to see what was actually happening. 131 00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:08,329 It might have had something to do with the medicine he was taking. 132 00:15:08,970 --> 00:15:10,890 Man, this... This is something else. 133 00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:12,969 Someone should be checking. 134 00:15:13,049 --> 00:15:15,089 He's beating himself. 135 00:15:16,569 --> 00:15:17,929 Somebody please do something. 136 00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:21,689 The was something going wrong. He had blood in his mouth. 137 00:15:56,209 --> 00:16:02,608 Cause of death: Lung failure, brain failure. 138 00:16:02,849 --> 00:16:05,648 Death by suffocation... that led 139 00:16:05,729 --> 00:16:08,568 to cardiac arrest. 140 00:16:10,288 --> 00:16:13,488 I'm all right, here it's always relaxed. 141 00:16:14,249 --> 00:16:19,768 He insisted on getting ayahuasca 142 00:16:19,849 --> 00:16:23,328 even though I told him not to drink it, 143 00:16:23,728 --> 00:16:25,288 so I gave it to him. 144 00:16:30,569 --> 00:16:32,088 I was sitting closest to him. 145 00:16:32,168 --> 00:16:36,688 I walked by his dead body. I smelled what a dead body smells like. 146 00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:40,448 I've never had anything like that happen to me in my life. 147 00:16:40,528 --> 00:16:45,527 I was... I was incensed. You know, I was furious, that 148 00:16:46,288 --> 00:16:49,488 the... people here had been negligent 149 00:16:50,008 --> 00:16:53,928 in caring for the safety of this man. 150 00:16:59,807 --> 00:17:02,328 This is supposed to be the perfect place, 151 00:17:02,527 --> 00:17:05,248 Guillermo, the big shaman, the big healer. 152 00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:10,527 Pretty shocked about what happened, and I've only been here a couple weeks. 153 00:17:12,287 --> 00:17:14,288 Back to trying to find someone else. 154 00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:22,088 In 64 years of Shamanism, 155 00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:24,607 I haven't had one death. 156 00:18:08,847 --> 00:18:12,407 I was not aware that somebody died in the ceremony next to James. 157 00:18:14,847 --> 00:18:20,166 Who are these shaman, and are they legitimate or are they charlatans? 158 00:18:20,647 --> 00:18:23,687 And who are the good ones and who are the bad ones? 159 00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:27,087 Who are these people that we have never met 160 00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:28,686 we... they have no credentials, 161 00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:32,047 we have no way of finding anything out about them. 162 00:18:32,126 --> 00:18:34,166 And they're giving our son 163 00:18:34,486 --> 00:18:39,047 hallucinogenic drugs out away from civilization. 164 00:18:43,246 --> 00:18:48,046 Any parent wonders what could we have done differently. 165 00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,806 It is a black cloud that hangs over your head 166 00:18:50,886 --> 00:18:52,766 every minute of every day. 167 00:18:55,527 --> 00:18:58,766 You feel like you've damaged somebody you deeply love. 168 00:18:59,846 --> 00:19:04,366 And you remember all the things you did that you wish now you'd done differently. 169 00:19:44,326 --> 00:19:46,965 I ran in to some foreigners in town 170 00:19:47,046 --> 00:19:49,925 who suggested that I check out an American. 171 00:19:50,725 --> 00:19:52,085 I speak a little Spanish, 172 00:19:52,166 --> 00:19:56,365 but having someone who speaks English might be really helpful. 173 00:20:04,005 --> 00:20:05,685 So this is my treasure chest. 174 00:20:06,845 --> 00:20:12,645 With this closet, plum full of bottles of ayahuasca, 175 00:20:13,165 --> 00:20:18,045 it will have a value of almost, somewhere around $250,000. 176 00:20:24,645 --> 00:20:26,125 The Ayahuasceros flood here. 177 00:20:26,205 --> 00:20:28,845 This is like the gold mine of ayahuasca. 178 00:20:29,565 --> 00:20:36,245 Many Ayahuasceros around this town that use their powers in very wrong ways. 179 00:20:37,324 --> 00:20:42,885 People are much more concerned about making a dollar than helping someone. 180 00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:48,284 The healing, the true healers are out there, but they're hard to find. 181 00:20:49,445 --> 00:20:52,325 And the true healers don't... don't charge. 182 00:20:52,524 --> 00:20:55,485 Every one of us foreigners living here are guilty 183 00:20:55,564 --> 00:20:59,644 of exploiting these people, myself included. 184 00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:03,684 Compared to what I pay for the medicine and what I sell it for, 185 00:21:04,164 --> 00:21:05,724 I make very good money. 186 00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:15,924 I've been a drug addict. I've had my problems with alcohol. 187 00:21:16,124 --> 00:21:18,044 I spent seven months in prison. 188 00:21:19,164 --> 00:21:20,724 I'm a high school dropout. 189 00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:25,764 I get college professors. 190 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:29,164 Come and want to work with me and learn from me. 191 00:21:29,364 --> 00:21:33,204 You know, I'm down here in the jungle with an ex-con who's a shaman, 192 00:21:33,284 --> 00:21:35,644 who's been down here for 13 years. 193 00:21:35,884 --> 00:21:39,124 He fights roosters on, you know, on the weekend. 194 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:54,324 A lot of people come and they see, "Ron, you fight roosters?" 195 00:21:55,124 --> 00:21:57,523 And "You work with ayahuasca?" 196 00:21:57,803 --> 00:22:00,324 "You're a shaman and you fight roosters?" 197 00:22:01,164 --> 00:22:05,564 And I've told them, "Well, I'm also a spiritual warrior". 198 00:22:06,603 --> 00:22:11,764 So this helps keep me in contact with my warrior spirit. 199 00:22:18,604 --> 00:22:24,683 People don't have a real clear view on the whole spectrum of life and nature. 200 00:22:30,243 --> 00:22:34,403 This is not someone who, five years ago, I would have taken seriously at all 201 00:22:34,483 --> 00:22:36,243 because of my academic background. 202 00:22:36,403 --> 00:22:41,963 You know, he was not successful by the standards that I define success. 203 00:22:44,443 --> 00:22:48,443 Am I happy? I'm sick, dude. I'm really fucking sick. 204 00:22:48,643 --> 00:22:52,003 It has nothing... It's not like, this is so frustrating. 205 00:22:52,083 --> 00:22:53,963 Like, people can't understand this. 206 00:22:54,042 --> 00:22:56,403 I look at a beautiful woman and I feel nothing. 207 00:22:56,482 --> 00:22:58,723 I look at a sunset, I feel nothing. 208 00:22:58,803 --> 00:23:03,403 I have no ambition. I have no desire other than to feel human again. 209 00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:05,243 You know? 210 00:23:15,363 --> 00:23:18,403 They plant their garden in the jungle, it's cut and slash. 211 00:23:18,923 --> 00:23:21,042 So, before they can plant their garden, 212 00:23:22,243 --> 00:23:25,003 you have to cultivate, you have to clear it first. 213 00:23:26,763 --> 00:23:29,002 So they look at the human body the same way. 214 00:23:29,243 --> 00:23:32,002 Before you can teach it, or before you can heal it, 215 00:23:32,403 --> 00:23:34,723 first you have to clean it. 216 00:23:35,202 --> 00:23:38,163 So, Ohey is a very strong purgative. 217 00:23:42,882 --> 00:23:46,042 Pushes all the bad energy out of you. 218 00:23:46,402 --> 00:23:49,722 But when it does that, you sort of, like, experience... 219 00:23:50,002 --> 00:23:52,522 all that badness before it leaves. 220 00:23:52,602 --> 00:23:55,041 And so the day you take it, it's just like, 221 00:23:55,202 --> 00:23:57,521 it makes me feel like I'm back at step one. 222 00:23:59,562 --> 00:24:04,241 And it's gotten a little bit easier, but, it's just... it's hard. 223 00:24:05,242 --> 00:24:10,122 So I told James, I said, "It's not some place to come" 224 00:24:10,202 --> 00:24:13,202 with a bedside manner, where I sit 225 00:24:13,281 --> 00:24:15,282 and tell you everything's gonna be fine. 226 00:24:15,361 --> 00:24:18,801 I talk to you all day. I tuck you in at night. 227 00:24:18,882 --> 00:24:21,602 It's not this cushy-cushy stuff you're looking for. 228 00:24:22,562 --> 00:24:24,082 "It's you do the work." 229 00:24:24,801 --> 00:24:27,242 The real work is with the patient 230 00:24:27,481 --> 00:24:30,161 and the medicine that they're working with. 231 00:24:31,642 --> 00:24:35,961 In our western society, we are creating a lot of problems with these pills. 232 00:24:36,442 --> 00:24:40,481 That we, and everybody is looking for the one pill. 233 00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:43,401 I can just take this one pill and everything's fine. 234 00:24:44,402 --> 00:24:45,362 It doesn't exist. 235 00:24:47,321 --> 00:24:50,162 With our natural medicines, these things don't happen. 236 00:25:02,601 --> 00:25:06,961 All the medication seemed to represent to me was, 237 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,921 was symptom management. 238 00:25:09,001 --> 00:25:15,201 Was a... a kind of "go back to sleep, James, and get back into the game". 239 00:25:18,481 --> 00:25:24,080 My husband and I, being physicians, um, had the privilege 240 00:25:24,161 --> 00:25:28,440 to really know enough about the system to see what the flaws were. 241 00:25:28,641 --> 00:25:33,280 The psychiatry division here is ranked the best in the United States. OK? 242 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,521 So, when I go and talk to the colleagues, 243 00:25:36,601 --> 00:25:39,200 the chairman of the department and ask for a recommendation, 244 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,360 I'm expecting to get somebody 245 00:25:41,441 --> 00:25:45,040 who's really, exceedingly confident in this field. 246 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:49,200 I had helped start a company, that was from a Rockefeller University scientist, 247 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:53,641 one's a Nobel Laureate, one's probably the leading neurobiologist in the country. 248 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,760 And I went to one of our board meetings 249 00:25:55,841 --> 00:25:58,440 when James was at probably one of his really low points 250 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:03,560 and the Nobel Laureate for neuroscience, who started this company with me, 251 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,640 said, "Mason, you have to understand, 252 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,000 psychiatrists have no real understanding of how the brain works." 253 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,160 OK? And, he said, 254 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:18,440 "Our weapons, our tools, our therapies, they're so primitive, 255 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:20,840 because of our fundamental lack of understanding 256 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,400 of how the human brain works." 257 00:26:22,479 --> 00:26:25,720 When these drugs came out, it gave psychiatry a sense 258 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,239 that they were like the other doctors that had good medicines. 259 00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:29,586 And so they prescribe them a lot. 260 00:26:29,599 --> 00:26:31,708 How many people do you know who've been on an anti-depressant for a year 261 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:33,280 who can come off it and stay off it? 262 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:36,759 The desire to do that is fueled by time, money, and the pharmaceutical industry. 263 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,239 There's no question that that is the case. 264 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:46,079 In the plant kingdom, when we take plant medicines for an illness, 265 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,879 it's not any one thing in that plant that heals the illness. 266 00:26:51,999 --> 00:26:55,839 It's the combination of everything working together. 267 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,959 There is no magic bullet. 268 00:27:18,919 --> 00:27:23,679 Just behind my family, my getting sick was hardest on Kate. 269 00:27:26,279 --> 00:27:29,319 He was so funny and witty and outgoing. 270 00:27:30,199 --> 00:27:34,839 But so smart and sensitive and intellectually curious 271 00:27:35,079 --> 00:27:37,599 at the same time. 272 00:27:37,839 --> 00:27:42,038 And... there was just... there was an instant connection between us. 273 00:27:50,079 --> 00:27:54,199 He just... he made everyone around him a better person. 274 00:27:59,399 --> 00:28:02,519 And he cared so deeply about the people in his life. 275 00:28:05,999 --> 00:28:10,558 When we broke up, it was really hard for me. 276 00:28:10,799 --> 00:28:13,679 She was the biggest person in my life. 277 00:28:16,399 --> 00:28:20,078 I miss the person that I knew, and... 278 00:28:21,438 --> 00:28:23,478 the way he made me feel, and... 279 00:28:27,679 --> 00:28:32,838 now it's like sometimes talking to... like, a... a wall. 280 00:29:01,437 --> 00:29:03,398 For somebody to just start dieting 281 00:29:03,558 --> 00:29:07,477 and be able to jump in and do a diet for a month is very impressionable. 282 00:29:08,518 --> 00:29:11,838 But he's very sincere in his work in wanting to get well. 283 00:29:14,357 --> 00:29:17,038 I'm finally gonna give ayahuasca a go. 284 00:29:17,117 --> 00:29:19,717 I've been cleaning my body. 285 00:29:19,797 --> 00:29:24,158 I hope the medicine and the ceremony can help me understand 286 00:29:24,237 --> 00:29:26,597 what's going on inside of me. 287 00:29:26,677 --> 00:29:30,237 In the name of the Father, the Son 288 00:29:31,757 --> 00:29:35,037 and the Holy Ghost, that always guides me. 289 00:30:07,157 --> 00:30:09,837 Thank you, Dear Lord, for this day, for this night. 290 00:30:10,197 --> 00:30:12,476 For the people who arrive to drink ayahuasca. 291 00:30:12,557 --> 00:30:15,677 Thank you for all you give us Lord, amen. 292 00:30:54,076 --> 00:30:56,436 I love James. 293 00:30:56,516 --> 00:31:00,156 Medications... medications... medications... 294 00:31:02,756 --> 00:31:04,996 I want to be healthy. 295 00:31:17,516 --> 00:31:19,836 I feel nothing... I feel nothing... 296 00:31:20,796 --> 00:31:22,155 ...to feel human again. 297 00:31:28,475 --> 00:31:29,596 Medications. 298 00:31:31,836 --> 00:31:35,116 I didn't want to take the pills... I didn't want to take the pills... 299 00:31:35,475 --> 00:31:39,435 ...some traditional American medications. 300 00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:25,914 I saw moments in my life... 301 00:32:26,515 --> 00:32:31,114 as if there was just some mirror. Things I'd completely forgotten about. 302 00:32:31,315 --> 00:32:35,155 Everything I've gone through has left an imprint somewhere inside of me. 303 00:32:37,994 --> 00:32:39,715 I never had self-love. 304 00:32:40,034 --> 00:32:42,555 I didn't know the source of love. 305 00:32:42,755 --> 00:32:47,675 I didn't know how to find that wholeness. 306 00:32:48,195 --> 00:32:50,314 That fulfillment, that completeness, 307 00:32:50,395 --> 00:32:54,034 that feeling of well-being, of internal love. 308 00:32:54,115 --> 00:32:57,555 The answers that society provided for me was that comes from a woman, 309 00:32:57,634 --> 00:32:59,035 or that comes from being rich, 310 00:32:59,114 --> 00:33:03,035 or that comes from being famous and liked by people and being popular. 311 00:33:04,914 --> 00:33:06,674 I don't think those answers are true. 312 00:33:09,954 --> 00:33:13,834 I've had to tell James I'm buying a new piece of land. 313 00:33:13,994 --> 00:33:16,154 I'm going to be building a new camp. 314 00:33:16,474 --> 00:33:18,514 I'm going to be very busy with this. 315 00:33:18,594 --> 00:33:23,594 I'm not going to be able to give you the service that I've been giving you. 316 00:34:16,073 --> 00:34:18,393 My parents used to call me sentimental. 317 00:34:18,474 --> 00:34:20,993 I remember as child, even as a teenager, 318 00:34:21,313 --> 00:34:24,113 feeling very connected to the people around 319 00:34:24,193 --> 00:34:27,033 and emotions and music and all of these things. 320 00:34:27,353 --> 00:34:30,073 I want all of those experiences back. 321 00:34:30,554 --> 00:34:33,713 It's being human. I want to feel again. 322 00:35:02,353 --> 00:35:04,513 Am I ever going to see my son again? 323 00:35:04,712 --> 00:35:07,352 Could he disappear off into the Amazon? 324 00:35:07,433 --> 00:35:08,712 Or kill himself, 325 00:35:09,033 --> 00:35:13,433 or decide that he never wanted to come back to this country again? 326 00:35:21,072 --> 00:35:22,683 I grew up in a military family. 327 00:35:22,752 --> 00:35:24,192 My dad was an admiral in the Navy. 328 00:35:24,273 --> 00:35:29,952 And, uh, the style of parenting was, "set the bar really high 329 00:35:30,032 --> 00:35:32,152 and then be critical when it's not achieved". 330 00:35:32,232 --> 00:35:33,792 I think James struggled with that, 331 00:35:33,872 --> 00:35:36,192 because he was disorganized a bit as a kid. 332 00:35:36,272 --> 00:35:39,512 I think, you know, he used to play soccer and he was the goalie 333 00:35:39,592 --> 00:35:42,546 and he'd watch the butterflies go over and the ball would go by him sometimes. 334 00:35:42,592 --> 00:35:47,792 I mean, he... He didn't focus on the tasks in front of him 335 00:35:47,872 --> 00:35:52,952 in a way that Western society schools, other things, require you to do 336 00:35:53,032 --> 00:35:55,472 to be successful by that criteria. 337 00:35:55,552 --> 00:36:01,152 And, I always thought he just wasn't trying hard enough to do it. 338 00:36:01,631 --> 00:36:04,672 I was driving him into seeing the world the way I saw the world 339 00:36:04,752 --> 00:36:08,231 and he wasn't willing or able 340 00:36:08,312 --> 00:36:11,272 or interested in seeing the world that way. 341 00:36:15,872 --> 00:36:19,871 He had an idea of how it should go, how it is, how it will be. 342 00:36:20,192 --> 00:36:25,472 And I think I was, I wasn't working in that... in that idea. 343 00:36:26,071 --> 00:36:31,472 And instead of letting that idea bend, I think I ended up breaking. 344 00:36:31,752 --> 00:36:34,591 And, instead of looking somewhere else... 345 00:36:38,831 --> 00:36:40,031 You know, I... 346 00:36:41,471 --> 00:36:42,431 Instead of... 347 00:36:47,511 --> 00:36:50,591 Forgiveness is not something you just logically understand 348 00:36:50,671 --> 00:36:51,630 and flip a switch. 349 00:36:51,672 --> 00:36:53,592 You get hurt and it takes work to come out of. 350 00:36:53,791 --> 00:36:55,831 But when that depression and that hurt and that anger, 351 00:36:55,911 --> 00:36:57,551 that whole fucking thing goes so deep 352 00:36:57,631 --> 00:37:00,511 that you can't even feel your own body any more, man... 353 00:37:00,631 --> 00:37:03,191 I read books, I tried to understand why this happened. 354 00:37:03,271 --> 00:37:06,831 I go. I go to therapy, I meditate, I try to do good things, 355 00:37:06,911 --> 00:37:10,711 and I say, I tell my parents I love them, I swallow it even when I don't want to. 356 00:37:10,951 --> 00:37:14,711 I do every single fucking thing! Every single thing. 357 00:38:52,470 --> 00:38:56,109 I heard back at Guillermo's that there is 358 00:38:56,190 --> 00:39:01,069 a Shipibo community living deeper in the forest. 359 00:39:01,670 --> 00:39:04,150 And in that community, they have 360 00:39:04,629 --> 00:39:08,909 many shamans who still practice without this business side of things, 361 00:39:08,989 --> 00:39:11,469 where they heal because it's a calling. 362 00:39:11,669 --> 00:39:13,989 I'd be working with Pepe. 363 00:39:18,949 --> 00:39:21,829 I feel proud of my community. 364 00:39:22,029 --> 00:39:26,669 I was born here and my family lives here. 365 00:39:26,989 --> 00:39:30,229 People recognize me as a healer, 366 00:39:30,309 --> 00:39:33,429 I'm happy to try and heal people from all their sufferings. 367 00:39:35,949 --> 00:39:39,789 When I started to diet to become a shaman, I was also very sick. 368 00:39:40,069 --> 00:39:42,389 Then one night, the spirit of ayahuasca visited me. 369 00:39:42,629 --> 00:39:46,948 She told me I would become a shaman. 370 00:39:52,789 --> 00:39:58,348 Until now we never trusted foreigners 371 00:39:59,109 --> 00:40:02,149 because of fear. 372 00:40:03,389 --> 00:40:08,228 Now we open the doors of our community. 373 00:40:11,628 --> 00:40:13,908 We prepare the flower bath 374 00:40:13,988 --> 00:40:19,668 by extracting the different medicinal plants. 375 00:40:19,829 --> 00:40:24,948 The energy of the plants penetrates and affects the deepest cells of the body. 376 00:40:25,108 --> 00:40:29,028 It cleans it from anxiety, tension or any bad energy. 377 00:41:04,668 --> 00:41:07,548 According to them, this bath is... 378 00:41:08,867 --> 00:41:12,508 going to revitalize me and clean me of bad energy. 379 00:41:12,588 --> 00:41:16,308 And provide nourishment on some level to my nervous system. 380 00:41:19,228 --> 00:41:22,867 I've walked around really thinking I know a lot, 381 00:41:22,947 --> 00:41:26,267 and if any of what they are saying is true down here, 382 00:41:26,348 --> 00:41:28,307 then maybe I know really, really little. 383 00:41:30,868 --> 00:41:35,548 I'm just trying to keep an open mind and not be judging any of this. 384 00:41:35,627 --> 00:41:38,267 And... I think there's a part of me that maybe 385 00:41:38,347 --> 00:41:40,667 believes that that itself is healing. 386 00:41:59,747 --> 00:42:06,426 For me, James has good insight, 387 00:42:07,946 --> 00:42:10,507 he understands everything we talk about. 388 00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:20,667 They're brewing ayahuasca today. 389 00:42:20,866 --> 00:42:25,547 I've been told by Pepe it's actually the plants that approached them 390 00:42:25,946 --> 00:42:29,786 and communicated to them how to make this brew. 391 00:42:51,146 --> 00:42:55,346 The fact that these two plants in a jungle that has 392 00:42:55,626 --> 00:42:59,106 tens if not hundreds of thousands of different species of plants 393 00:42:59,546 --> 00:43:02,786 have been selected and put together is amazing. 394 00:43:47,186 --> 00:43:50,705 We head in to the Maloka, which is the ceremonial space 395 00:43:50,785 --> 00:43:54,065 and we are presented with a cup of ayahuasca 396 00:43:54,145 --> 00:43:58,945 and it is just the foulest tasting thing I've ever had. 397 00:44:04,025 --> 00:44:07,025 The shamans have a pipe in hand, which they light. 398 00:44:07,105 --> 00:44:10,105 And inside that pipe is tobacco, called Mapacho. 399 00:44:15,865 --> 00:44:18,585 So then we wait for maybe a half an hour 400 00:44:18,665 --> 00:44:22,345 until we start to feel the effects seeping in. 401 00:45:04,024 --> 00:45:08,105 So the shamans say that these Icaros, these songs that they're singing 402 00:45:08,184 --> 00:45:11,545 have actually been taught to them by the plants 403 00:45:11,824 --> 00:45:16,184 which they have dieted in isolation drinking these plants. 404 00:45:16,424 --> 00:45:19,944 It's from them that the source of the healing comes. 405 00:45:20,744 --> 00:45:24,464 And... the songs are the way of transferring that healing. 406 00:46:52,543 --> 00:46:56,943 It felt like I was in a dream and at moments was experiencing dread 407 00:46:57,182 --> 00:47:01,542 and in others, like I was feeling uplifted and encouraged 408 00:47:01,623 --> 00:47:06,342 and if not well, then at least on a journey to finding that. 409 00:47:18,342 --> 00:47:21,263 There's some life coming through me, I think it's the plants. 410 00:47:21,622 --> 00:47:25,182 But also seeing how the society down here works. 411 00:47:25,302 --> 00:47:28,302 How these Shipibo people raise their kids, 412 00:47:28,382 --> 00:47:30,502 it doesn't seem that there's the same amount of pressure 413 00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:32,742 to become something down here. 414 00:47:48,462 --> 00:47:51,702 I loved playing soccer as a kid. Yeah, I was a goalkeeper. 415 00:47:52,102 --> 00:47:56,902 At some point, you know, I just thought I was, like, too busy to play soccer. 416 00:47:56,982 --> 00:48:01,822 I didn't have time to play sports anymore. I had to be working. 417 00:48:01,901 --> 00:48:03,902 You know, I had to be doing something serious. 418 00:48:03,982 --> 00:48:06,182 And by the time I got to college, 419 00:48:06,262 --> 00:48:10,222 how does this relate to my getting the best grades I possibly can? And, uh... 420 00:48:11,221 --> 00:48:14,261 and soccer unfortunately didn't really fit in to that. 421 00:48:34,502 --> 00:48:36,781 Some of Guillermo's apprentices 422 00:48:36,861 --> 00:48:40,662 who've started a non-government organization, an NGO, 423 00:48:40,781 --> 00:48:45,501 are coming to Santa Rosa de Dinamarca... 424 00:48:46,302 --> 00:48:49,901 intending to start something like a center down here. 425 00:48:53,741 --> 00:48:56,781 I will train the gringos 426 00:48:57,421 --> 00:49:03,341 in preparing medicinal plants and become shamans. 427 00:49:18,540 --> 00:49:21,901 It's strange to me to see Guillermo after what happened 428 00:49:22,101 --> 00:49:26,220 at his center back outside of Iquitos with the death... 429 00:49:27,301 --> 00:49:32,180 and to see him coming here, carrying on business as usual. 430 00:49:34,701 --> 00:49:37,821 Our grandfathers were people 431 00:49:38,060 --> 00:49:40,220 that worked for the benefit of the community. 432 00:49:40,420 --> 00:49:46,300 Now that has changed 433 00:49:46,540 --> 00:49:51,581 because of the ayahuasca business. 434 00:49:52,300 --> 00:49:55,500 Pepe is getting worried that all of this 435 00:49:55,580 --> 00:49:59,180 is going to create a very different atmosphere down here. 436 00:49:59,261 --> 00:50:00,980 And there's going to be jealousy, 437 00:50:01,060 --> 00:50:04,900 and the issues of money are going to start affecting everyone here. 438 00:50:10,820 --> 00:50:15,700 Thanks to the tourists, we have the funds 439 00:50:15,780 --> 00:50:19,900 to see the whole community prospering soon. 440 00:50:25,140 --> 00:50:28,420 The project of our NGO is to cure the Shipibo people. 441 00:50:28,499 --> 00:50:31,980 And it's through the medicine that we'll find a solution 442 00:50:32,059 --> 00:50:37,259 to educate people and change their mentality. 443 00:50:40,620 --> 00:50:45,539 All this business, everything that's going on here around ayahuasca 444 00:50:45,620 --> 00:50:48,220 is very stressful to me. 445 00:50:50,780 --> 00:50:55,220 Your first diet will be tobacco and your pipe. 446 00:50:56,420 --> 00:50:58,699 The shamans have something called a Dieta, 447 00:50:58,780 --> 00:51:04,779 which consists of living in isolation and ingesting plants. 448 00:51:05,059 --> 00:51:07,499 I'm going to be starting with Mapacho tobacco 449 00:51:07,579 --> 00:51:10,739 and eating only rice and fish. 450 00:51:11,059 --> 00:51:13,619 I'll be doing that for the next four months, 451 00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,219 alone with my mind. 452 00:51:18,659 --> 00:51:21,299 It's really hard sucking down tobacco. 453 00:51:21,379 --> 00:51:24,739 You're trying to get stuff out and you're probably going to vomit. 454 00:51:30,739 --> 00:51:33,019 From the moment I vomited, 455 00:51:34,099 --> 00:51:35,739 it started to pour rain. 456 00:51:40,098 --> 00:51:45,099 These plants are extremely powerful. 457 00:51:54,218 --> 00:51:57,059 More fevers, more cramps, sweat, nightmares. 458 00:51:59,178 --> 00:52:03,138 You know, there's not anyone around right now, there's no speaking. 459 00:52:04,698 --> 00:52:09,018 You know, just you... the sounds of the jungle... 460 00:52:10,418 --> 00:52:13,058 and the mental clock just tick, 461 00:52:13,898 --> 00:52:16,978 tick, tick, tick. 462 00:52:26,618 --> 00:52:31,618 Since I've been here, I've dieted five, six plants, mucura, aioscha... 463 00:52:37,178 --> 00:52:38,418 It's hard work. 464 00:52:42,858 --> 00:52:47,977 There was this, like, feeling of a vacuum, like a dark, nasty energy. 465 00:52:48,258 --> 00:52:49,897 It felt like I was having surgery. 466 00:52:57,378 --> 00:52:58,417 Oh, my God. 467 00:53:00,258 --> 00:53:02,618 I cannot describe what just happened to me. 468 00:53:04,538 --> 00:53:06,178 The spirit of Chiric Sanango... 469 00:53:08,058 --> 00:53:09,578 came and visited me. 470 00:53:11,417 --> 00:53:14,378 Threw me on the bed, went right in to my left side, 471 00:53:14,457 --> 00:53:16,257 ripping out stuff. 472 00:53:17,177 --> 00:53:21,818 Reprogramming my brain, sapping, I was just powerless. 473 00:53:22,057 --> 00:53:23,058 Paralyzed. 474 00:53:24,297 --> 00:53:25,577 But I knew this was good. 475 00:53:29,377 --> 00:53:33,137 I don't have this, like, ambition, this drive to prove myself, 476 00:53:33,217 --> 00:53:36,617 to prove that I'm intelligent, to prove that I'm successful. 477 00:53:36,697 --> 00:53:40,257 I... I don't have this, like, inferiority complex anymore. 478 00:53:40,497 --> 00:53:46,857 I don't have this... this anger towards, you know, my father in particular. 479 00:53:47,097 --> 00:53:48,497 You know, it's just... 480 00:53:49,256 --> 00:53:55,457 it's just being all stripped and I have no attachment to my previous way of life. 481 00:53:58,697 --> 00:54:02,617 I've just had, like, the most horrifying nightmares. 482 00:54:02,697 --> 00:54:04,096 People I love dying... 483 00:54:04,537 --> 00:54:06,057 - No. - ...sick, killing each other. 484 00:54:07,897 --> 00:54:09,817 Speaking like a demonic language. 485 00:54:13,057 --> 00:54:16,296 And having, like, an exorcism performed on me. 486 00:54:21,897 --> 00:54:24,416 And the plant just makes me feel like hell. 487 00:54:25,096 --> 00:54:26,496 I hate it, but I love it. 488 00:54:26,856 --> 00:54:30,176 I don't know if it's the devil himself, it might have been my soul. 489 00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:33,616 Put it in to the back of my head. 490 00:54:41,296 --> 00:54:45,776 Um... I really don't know what this is going to do, if this really could be it. 491 00:54:45,856 --> 00:54:50,496 I had a vision, like I said, three... three days ago... 492 00:54:51,896 --> 00:54:55,176 where I was spoken to by presumably... 493 00:54:56,216 --> 00:55:01,256 Ayahuasca herself, and she told me that I was going to be born again, and... 494 00:55:02,176 --> 00:55:05,176 that, uh... this is a new life coming, and... 495 00:55:06,136 --> 00:55:11,576 I think, uh, really nervous about the possibility of what might not happen. 496 00:55:11,856 --> 00:55:16,136 And, and, what could happen, and... 497 00:55:17,616 --> 00:55:20,576 'cause, you know, on the one hand, there's no reason given, 498 00:55:20,656 --> 00:55:23,576 everything I've experienced out here, these incredible visions 499 00:55:23,655 --> 00:55:27,495 experiences I've had in my room here, in my bed, in ceremony, 500 00:55:27,576 --> 00:55:32,616 uh, to think that this isn't going to do anything. 501 00:59:43,812 --> 00:59:46,412 How beautiful. Thank you. 502 00:59:46,492 --> 00:59:50,491 When you sing like this, it feels 503 00:59:50,572 --> 00:59:54,932 as if you are a plant, it's not human, 504 00:59:55,372 --> 00:59:59,172 it's a very different sound. 505 00:59:59,332 --> 01:00:03,572 You have listened to me, now I wish to hear you sing. 506 01:00:03,652 --> 01:00:04,612 No... OK. 507 01:02:56,410 --> 01:03:01,209 I feel like Pepe is just here to help people, and heal people. 508 01:03:01,370 --> 01:03:05,770 And there's no image he's trying to cultivate or project. 509 01:03:06,009 --> 01:03:08,930 And there's something very real about him. 510 01:03:40,049 --> 01:03:43,489 Yesterday, they threw Pepe out of the village. 511 01:03:43,569 --> 01:03:46,009 I don't even know where he is, if he's in Pucallpa now 512 01:03:46,089 --> 01:03:49,329 but he's no longer here in Dinamarca. 513 01:03:50,129 --> 01:03:55,009 I heard it was money issues between the NGO and the shamans. 514 01:03:55,529 --> 01:03:59,529 There's a lot of hype and fanaticism and fanfare surrounding this whole project 515 01:03:59,609 --> 01:04:02,129 that's going on down here, but, uh... 516 01:04:02,208 --> 01:04:05,168 I think there's something very naive 517 01:04:05,249 --> 01:04:09,048 and something not quite right, either. 518 01:04:18,488 --> 01:04:21,808 The NGO accused me of conducting 519 01:04:21,889 --> 01:04:26,728 private ceremonies for the tourists, 520 01:04:26,968 --> 01:04:30,928 they said I need to leave my village. 521 01:05:29,488 --> 01:05:32,088 I'm becoming much stronger 522 01:05:32,167 --> 01:05:37,807 and in a way that I didn't even believe was possible or necessary. 523 01:05:38,087 --> 01:05:39,368 And it's amazing. 524 01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:00,807 I've been told by someone in the village 525 01:06:00,887 --> 01:06:04,727 that Pepe was going to be back after a couple of weeks. 526 01:06:05,007 --> 01:06:08,847 It's been at least that long and I've heard nothing. 527 01:06:08,927 --> 01:06:12,127 He was humble and he was kind and invested in my care, 528 01:06:12,407 --> 01:06:15,247 and to have him be dismissed is... 529 01:06:15,326 --> 01:06:19,247 I just don't understand how something like this happens. 530 01:06:32,086 --> 01:06:34,926 I feel like we've switched positions, 531 01:06:35,006 --> 01:06:41,166 we've... traded places, and yet as long as I can pay that I get to stay. 532 01:06:41,606 --> 01:06:45,286 And it just doesn't make sense to me. 533 01:06:45,446 --> 01:06:48,566 And I feel quite alone all of a sudden here. 534 01:07:10,286 --> 01:07:14,005 As a teacher I think it's horrible 535 01:07:15,006 --> 01:07:19,365 that they treat our medicine as if 536 01:07:19,446 --> 01:07:22,606 you were prostituting yourself. 537 01:07:29,805 --> 01:07:31,126 I am the Shaman. 538 01:07:44,126 --> 01:07:49,005 Ayahuasca too is better, Ayahuasca. The Ayahuasca is better, my friend. 539 01:07:49,405 --> 01:07:53,725 Little by little, the essence of the plants is being lost. 540 01:08:06,965 --> 01:08:08,965 My time in Peru is over. 541 01:08:11,845 --> 01:08:16,684 No one knows where Pepe is. I don't get to say goodbye. 542 01:08:16,925 --> 01:08:18,365 I feel sad about it. 543 01:08:19,125 --> 01:08:22,565 I'm grateful that I can feel the sadness. 544 01:08:22,845 --> 01:08:26,445 I wish he knew how highly I think of him. 545 01:08:33,964 --> 01:08:36,604 Pepe is the last shaman I'll work with. 546 01:09:34,564 --> 01:09:37,764 I now understand what James was suffering from. 547 01:09:38,124 --> 01:09:41,644 His sense of loneliness and desperation, the feeling of being dead inside. 548 01:09:49,204 --> 01:09:54,243 James could have become a great Shaman. 549 01:09:56,683 --> 01:09:58,844 I think a shaman is someone who looks... 550 01:09:59,884 --> 01:10:04,324 at the world and doesn't see... matter devoid of spirit. 551 01:10:05,443 --> 01:10:07,204 He sees life in everything, 552 01:10:07,283 --> 01:10:10,723 he sees an intelligence that weaves its way through our body, 553 01:10:10,803 --> 01:10:12,723 through the rocks, through the trees, 554 01:10:12,804 --> 01:10:15,004 through the sky, through the entire cosmos. 555 01:10:15,923 --> 01:10:18,724 And it's an intelligence that is far greater than anything 556 01:10:18,803 --> 01:10:21,803 man can understand or comprehend. 557 01:10:30,483 --> 01:10:32,963 I'll have to go home and integrate what I've learned here 558 01:10:33,043 --> 01:10:35,843 to make amends with the places I come from. 559 01:10:38,083 --> 01:10:41,843 I'm not here to rule the world. I'm not here to be somebody big. 560 01:10:42,123 --> 01:10:45,283 I'm here to be a very small part of something much larger than myself, 561 01:10:45,363 --> 01:10:47,363 and that's extremely liberating. 562 01:10:51,843 --> 01:10:52,843 I had found... 563 01:10:54,122 --> 01:10:56,083 a place of peace inside 564 01:10:56,322 --> 01:11:01,282 that I think the longer I can learn to live in that center of peace, 565 01:11:01,643 --> 01:11:04,562 I believe everything else is going to come back. 566 01:11:35,642 --> 01:11:39,402 I had to stop reacting and responding to their programming, their mind. 567 01:11:39,643 --> 01:11:42,882 You know, their plan for James, because that was not working. 568 01:11:43,362 --> 01:11:45,402 But what kept me going was their hearts. 569 01:11:45,562 --> 01:11:49,162 Because I knew it would destroy them, and that they really did care about me. 570 01:11:54,482 --> 01:11:58,282 The greatest thing I've taken from James's journey 571 01:11:58,362 --> 01:12:03,082 is to be really proud of his courage... 572 01:12:03,722 --> 01:12:07,322 to do something that was such an unknown 573 01:12:07,482 --> 01:12:13,401 and was potentially incredibly dangerous and just sticking to his guns. 574 01:12:14,921 --> 01:12:17,001 I don't think ayahuasca is to be worshiped. 575 01:12:17,082 --> 01:12:21,401 I don't think ayahuasca gives you anything that you don't already have in yourself. 576 01:12:21,481 --> 01:12:24,641 And that was a message given to me from the plant spirits. 577 01:12:24,842 --> 01:12:29,402 That I hold the key in myself 578 01:12:30,242 --> 01:12:33,362 to whatever it is I need to do in order to get well. 579 01:12:36,921 --> 01:12:39,921 I'm doing OK. Yeah, I'm doing all right. Still alive. 580 01:12:40,681 --> 01:12:42,442 That's all we could ask for, huh? 581 01:12:44,881 --> 01:12:47,481 Didn't think it was going to happen, but here we are. 582 01:12:48,641 --> 01:12:51,161 Still in the woods, can't get out of the woods. 583 01:12:53,401 --> 01:12:54,441 We're tryin'. 584 01:13:01,441 --> 01:13:02,961 I think we all wish 585 01:13:03,041 --> 01:13:05,561 we'd had better, closer relationships with our own fathers. 586 01:13:05,640 --> 01:13:07,241 I think most men feel that way. 587 01:13:07,481 --> 01:13:09,601 I don't feel he's ready to do that. 588 01:13:10,001 --> 01:13:12,321 On the other hand, he called me up on Father's Day 589 01:13:12,401 --> 01:13:13,721 and he came home for the weekend 590 01:13:13,801 --> 01:13:15,789 and we talked for an hour and a half on the back porch 591 01:13:15,800 --> 01:13:18,400 and he talked about the people around him and what he did 592 01:13:18,481 --> 01:13:22,721 and that was the best conversation we've ever had, ever, I mean... 593 01:13:24,281 --> 01:13:25,240 you know. 594 01:13:29,400 --> 01:13:32,481 I just wish his journey hadn't been so hard on him. 595 01:13:32,881 --> 01:13:34,600 You know, I... he's... 596 01:13:34,681 --> 01:13:37,320 An absolutely spectacular human being. 597 01:13:52,720 --> 01:13:55,001 Though I wasn't necessarily cured, 598 01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:58,680 I feel like I came back with a will to live. 599 01:14:02,600 --> 01:14:04,560 One day maybe move towards medicine 600 01:14:04,640 --> 01:14:07,880 and try to contribute in any way possible to helping other people 601 01:14:07,960 --> 01:14:11,600 who have found their self in a similar position as my own. 602 01:14:16,240 --> 01:14:18,760 I'm just taking it a day at a time.